Great Moments in Internet History

Seems someone’s been up to no good. Listen up everybody, I do not want to have to fucking say this again:

• Lock any equipment that you don’t want stolen inside your boat or in the case of an outboard motor lock it up with a cable or chain.
• Anytime that you are passing the marina after dark take a ride through it slowly to see if you see any suspicious activity. This is no different than a neighborhood crime watch. I drive through there every weeknight at about 12:30 AM when I get out of work. A clue, if there are no cars in the parking lot and you see people on a boat or movement on a boat. If you see something suspicious call the Sheriff, don’t attempt to stop a crime yourself.
• Consider installing an alarm on your boat, which I myself am going to do asap. Dale said he bought one for his boat for $15 at Lowes.
• Make sure that you report breakins to the authorities even if you can’t recover the money so they will be more vigilant when they are in the area.
• Let’s hope that we don’t have to put up a huge fence to keep out the crooks, because it would ruin the ambiance of the marina itself.

Willy Squints

Originally uploaded by Welvis Tarn.

Damnit!  This song is on repeat for me lately.  If you aren’t familiar with Lady Sovereign, she’s a lady person, with a vagina, and a rapper.  Oh, and she’s nearly a hobbit or something.  That being said, she’s one of the best MCs I’ve heard in a long time.  Her voice sounds like it’s been sped up to double speed, and it’s almost Caribbean.  The whole EP kind of sounds like your about to be murdered by Gary Oldman in an alley or something.  Fiddle With The Volume is weirdly sexual, even though it really has nothing to do with fucking save for one lyric.  I think it’s the chorus, with the whispered titular line.  High point: at 2:45 there is this strange winding down in her flow that lasts for 10 seconds.  Listen to how she says “flip the switch”, for whatever reason that part just rules balls.

Artist: Lady Sovereign
Song: Fiddle With The Volume
Album: Vertically Challenged

Rating: Perfect score! 7 out of 7 Dale Earnhardt heads!
Pros: Great voice, trip hop beats, utterly original, endorsed by Jay-Z
Cons: Looks like that fat lesbian Spice Girl

Well, this is a brand new, damn catchy, and pretty fucking hilarious song from Mac Lethal and Joe Good. “What the fuck Friendster? That’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade!” - priceless. Even though they say it in the song, their MySpace pages are here and here, by the way. The track names for the album are on the forum.  Get the album here.

Yup, you got it. It’s time for the Winter Olympics. Or as I like to call them the Winty Limpy-doos. I’ve waited four years for the re-emergence of favorite sports such as the luge, curling, and a little known sport called snowboarding. I say little known, because what, it’s on the same level as bowling, right? Everybody KNOWS about it, but nobody actually does it. At least does it well. Unless you’re my freaking sister who was actually on a league WITHOUT the beer gut. Lil’ miss 160 consistently, while I rolled gutter ball after gutter ball. To her credit she kept a straight face.

Anyway, who could forget four years ago the thrill of watching Apollo Anton Ono speed-skating past all the competition? Or even the thrill of just saying his name and being glad you got it right? A Greek name on a Japanese man. If that ain’t America, I don’t know what is, says this colorful white girl typing from the midwest. I’ll admit I had a bit of a crush on Mr. Ono. But he’s a man and was on TV, so I’d say on an average day (depending how much TV I watch) I have roughly 5646576 crushes a day. And that includes you, Mr. Ditech man. Low mortgage rates get me hot.

On the subject of Winty Limpy-doos, I believe 2002 introduced us to a skiier named Johnny Mosely. What do I remember most about Johnny Mosely? The Dinner Roll. That was his signature move. I got a big kick of seeing his fans freezing their white upper class butts off in the snow holding up homemade signs that said “Do the Dinner Roll!” And then the elation that was watching him perform said dinner roll over and over and over. Johnny Mosely, it’s your show, baby. It’s all about you, and your baked goods. And I mean that in a non-perverted way, if that’s possible of me. But Johnny Mosely, how far from my graces you fell, hosting MTV’s Road Rules/Real World Challenge for a season on the coattails of your Limpy-Doo success. I was mighty embarrassed for you, not just for degrading yourself to appear on MTV, but for the stiff delivery that would make a mildly amusing (for the sake of making fun of) show to watch exceedingly excruciating and tedious. I dunno, I think that was the season Mike and Coral were actually friends and Mike hadn’t slept with every Road Rules/Real World has been. Please tell me he did nail Beth Stolarczyk, because that girl needed to get laid. I think it’d mellow her out. If only for 15 minutes. Then we could pretend that peace in the Middle East could SOMEDAY be a reality.

I’m super stoked for the Winter Limpy-doos, but I’m wondering how Michelle Kwan will make it through skating on her walker. Seriously, what is she now, 80? And Ice-Dancing…Is this a sport? If so, why isn’t Super Grover on Ice competing? And I don’t just mean Super Grover, I mean the whole cast. A giant Oscar the Grouch in his trashcan sliding across the ice just in time to bash Michelle Kwan in the kneecap with a lead pipe. I would pay to see that. But in order for that to happen, the Limpy-Doo committee would have to approve muppets to compete, and Michelle Kwan would have to actually be in the ice-dancing event. It’s more likely that the Limpys would approve Muppets than Kwan to lower her standards. I’m having my own personal daydream right now… Can’t you just hear her saying, “Why? Whyyyyyyy?” I do a mean Nancy Kerrigan impersonation, in case any of you are interested. Mean as in dead on and mean as really mean.

Looking forward to it, but bummed I’ll miss opening ceremony. Bjork did this really cool material/sheet thingy at the Summy Limpy-doos, and I’m wondering how they’ll top that. As long as U2 isn’t involved, I’m sure it will be a success. Here’s to cheering America on to the Gold!!!!

DCP_2151

Originally uploaded by Welvis Tarn.

This is from one of many walks Lora and I took down Mass street in Lawrence. Our first year in town we lived at 912 Maine, so it was a short walk. This photo was taken in June, and the building looks green because of the street lights. EXIF data is in my Flickr, if you’re a total camera DORK!!!

At work we order a lot of items from Rothco. They mainly do military stuff so we end up getting camo shirts from them, sometimes hats, even belts. Well this morning a box full of bb guns arrived (Sean & Jim ordered them) and that pretty much defined the rest of the day. Most of the guns were battery powered automatics, which meant people were just spraying the place with shots. Oh, we were shooting these indoors. Practically everyone got shot at some point, little plastic bb’s were everywhere, they even ended up in my office somehow. Dan and I put cups on the train tracks out back and managed to shoot them over. The plastic bb’s are kind of gay, in that they’re plastic, but that allowed us to shoot them indoors and at my car. We have a Storm Trooper helmet that made it possible to shoot people in the head, and I guess we have goggles as well to protect us from ourselves. Overall it added to the workday, and no one lost an eye.

Item: BB Guns
Distributor: Rothco
Setup Time: Approximately 5 minutes

Rating: 6 out of 7 Dale Earnhardt heads
Pros: Fully automatic bb action with the help of 4 AA batteries, my eyes were unharmed.
Cons: Shooting people with real guns causes death or serious injury but would be 100 times cooler.

I’m finally getting around to using the great bandwidth advantages of my pro Flickr account (thanks Lora!). Tonight I uploaded two entire folders worth of pictures from 2002. These are the first two days I had my digital camera. It was a birthday gift from my mom. I still have 6 years or so of non-digital photos leading up to 2002 that I’ll have to scan or something, but since I’ve got 2 gigs a month times 11 months I “should” be able to get everything archived, and in the original sizes! If you like beagles, you’ll love this batch.

Just a quick one, but a toilet that weighs your poop.  This is a good idea and I know it, and it seems simple enough.  I think we’ve all had a moment where we’re proud of our work but only have anecdotal evidence.  This would solve that problem, and as a possible bonus you should be able to store your records, arcade style with a 3 letter name.

In the interest of being completely transparent, I must mention that the producers of ‘Choad Holiday’ are relatives of mine. My sister Amanda and her husband Josh financed this short film themselves, working on it over the last 3 years in their spare time. I actually hadn’t even heard of the piece until I saw it on IFC a few weeks back.

If you’re looking for a film with lots of laughing and screaming, then ‘Choad Holiday’ buttfucks the shit out of both genres. The film opens in the basement of Lee, (played by ‘Extreme Home Makeover’ star Crazy Ham). Through careful use of opening credits, we learn that Lee is accompanied by Beth (newcomer Fuckin Jolie), a spunky bookish type whose library looks turn out to be clever foreshadowing (but more on that later). After some initial banter about the basement, the talk quickly turns sexual, and then just as quickly turns into cackling laughter - lots of it. I was laughing so hard at this point that I literally suffered a severe hernia when Lee suddenly pulled a knife on Beth.

After 4 weeks of physical therapy I was finally able to return to watching ‘Choad Holiday’, and I was not disappointed. As Lee begins to approach Beth with the knife, a dramatic chase scene errupts. The pair, who began their struggle in the basement, suddenly find themselves running up the stairs, into an upper room, an upstairs of sorts. Lee, who has lost his knife, begins choking Beth, actually killing her in the process. Fortunately, unknown to the audience, Beth is an X-Men and in possession of a magical oracle that enables her to regain life by dying. This particular plot twist is never shown to the audience, or even mentioned, but is truly brilliant and not made up.

As Lee begins to realize what is happening you can totally empathize with his character. Crazy Ham has publicly criticized the method school of acting, and in this scene you can see why. With Ham there is no method, only madness. We are snapped back into the room by the welcome return of screaming, and Lee is chased outside only to welcomed by a gang of thugs and monster people who have formed an allegiance with Beth. Lee is dispatched with a single shotgun blast in a scene so grizzly I had to leave the room. This entire scene is played out without music, and the effect is bonechilling.

Complete bias aside, I loved this film from start to finish.
>> Click here to watch the entire film <<

Title: Choad Holiday
Director: Pubic Bonerballs
Running Time: 2 minutes 26 seconds

Rating: 5 out of 7 Dale Earnhardt heads
Pros: Laughing? Check. Screaming? Double Check.
Cons: The film gave me a debilitating hernia that will require an additional operation to fix.