It’s that time of quad-year again…
Yup, you got it. It’s time for the Winter Olympics. Or as I like to call them the Winty Limpy-doos. I’ve waited four years for the re-emergence of favorite sports such as the luge, curling, and a little known sport called snowboarding. I say little known, because what, it’s on the same level as bowling, right? Everybody KNOWS about it, but nobody actually does it. At least does it well. Unless you’re my freaking sister who was actually on a league WITHOUT the beer gut. Lil’ miss 160 consistently, while I rolled gutter ball after gutter ball. To her credit she kept a straight face.
Anyway, who could forget four years ago the thrill of watching Apollo Anton Ono speed-skating past all the competition? Or even the thrill of just saying his name and being glad you got it right? A Greek name on a Japanese man. If that ain’t America, I don’t know what is, says this colorful white girl typing from the midwest. I’ll admit I had a bit of a crush on Mr. Ono. But he’s a man and was on TV, so I’d say on an average day (depending how much TV I watch) I have roughly 5646576 crushes a day. And that includes you, Mr. Ditech man. Low mortgage rates get me hot.
On the subject of Winty Limpy-doos, I believe 2002 introduced us to a skiier named Johnny Mosely. What do I remember most about Johnny Mosely? The Dinner Roll. That was his signature move. I got a big kick of seeing his fans freezing their white upper class butts off in the snow holding up homemade signs that said “Do the Dinner Roll!” And then the elation that was watching him perform said dinner roll over and over and over. Johnny Mosely, it’s your show, baby. It’s all about you, and your baked goods. And I mean that in a non-perverted way, if that’s possible of me. But Johnny Mosely, how far from my graces you fell, hosting MTV’s Road Rules/Real World Challenge for a season on the coattails of your Limpy-Doo success. I was mighty embarrassed for you, not just for degrading yourself to appear on MTV, but for the stiff delivery that would make a mildly amusing (for the sake of making fun of) show to watch exceedingly excruciating and tedious. I dunno, I think that was the season Mike and Coral were actually friends and Mike hadn’t slept with every Road Rules/Real World has been. Please tell me he did nail Beth Stolarczyk, because that girl needed to get laid. I think it’d mellow her out. If only for 15 minutes. Then we could pretend that peace in the Middle East could SOMEDAY be a reality.
I’m super stoked for the Winter Limpy-doos, but I’m wondering how Michelle Kwan will make it through skating on her walker. Seriously, what is she now, 80? And Ice-Dancing…Is this a sport? If so, why isn’t Super Grover on Ice competing? And I don’t just mean Super Grover, I mean the whole cast. A giant Oscar the Grouch in his trashcan sliding across the ice just in time to bash Michelle Kwan in the kneecap with a lead pipe. I would pay to see that. But in order for that to happen, the Limpy-Doo committee would have to approve muppets to compete, and Michelle Kwan would have to actually be in the ice-dancing event. It’s more likely that the Limpys would approve Muppets than Kwan to lower her standards. I’m having my own personal daydream right now… Can’t you just hear her saying, “Why? Whyyyyyyy?” I do a mean Nancy Kerrigan impersonation, in case any of you are interested. Mean as in dead on and mean as really mean.
Looking forward to it, but bummed I’ll miss opening ceremony. Bjork did this really cool material/sheet thingy at the Summy Limpy-doos, and I’m wondering how they’ll top that. As long as U2 isn’t involved, I’m sure it will be a success. Here’s to cheering America on to the Gold!!!!
February 10th, 2006 at 12:37 am
A) I have the same birthday as Kwany-doo, but she’s about a century older. But the Botox looks good on her.
B) For about two months, all Johnny Mosely did was try to get a street in San Francisco covered in snow so he could Dinner Roll his butt off a hill in Pacific Heights. I guess he eventually did it, but what I liked most about that whole deal was that Mayor Newsom will allow gay marriages to take place, but skiing off hills is not allowed.
C) I actually snowboard, though not as much as I used to. And I do it with a beer gut.