Jones Soda Holiday Pack Reviewed, as Suggested by Adam Jeffers
1. Brussel Sprout with Prociutto: Actually, not that bad, I’d heard tales of it and the horrors that await within. One thing you have to understand about me is I like cabbage. Part of the German heritage. Also, I get heartburn a lot and drink a lot of alka-seltzer. It tasted like cabbage, plain alka-seltzer and popcorn all mixed together. Not as bad as expected. Has a cigarette smoke after-taste which is kinda weird and gross, but nothing that Lora won’t ingest. I ate a red pepper that comes in Kung Pow chicken on a dare. I’m xhardxcorex. I’m also stupid. It gave me a rash on my nose.
2. Wild Herb Stuffing: Tastes like rosemary, again, plain alka-seltzer, with a hint of caramel. Yeah, a little like dressing. I call it dressing. But stuffing also suffices, depending on what region you and your family are from. By the way, I call this stuff Jones Pop. Midwest represent. Mostly it tastes like salt and rosemary.
3. Slow Roasted Turkey and Gravy: Smelled more like turkey and gravy than tasted like turkey and gravey. It tasted like bullion and salt, but was still too sweet to be taken seriously as turkey and gravy pureed into a carbonated beverage. More gravy I say! Who can’t get enough gravy? Certainly not me, and I weigh 300 pounds.
4. Pumpkin Pie de la Creme Fresca: Not bad. Really spicy though. More spice than pumpkin, which isn’t bad. I mean, who consumes pumpkin in America without the pie? Not sure if the other flavor in there was supposed to be ‘crust.’ A bit caramely too. I think they added caramel to every flavor. So far. I mean, I’m typing each one of these as I drink them. I am that efficent. And Burton is being the Jones-Soda-man-slave right now fetching me my drinks. Snap, snap! Where’s my other one, you indentured servant, YOU!
5. Cranberry with Orange Zest: The least impressive in originality. I mean, it tasted like cranberry juice and Sprite. Every girl who has had a urinary tract infection KNOWS what this tastes like. It’s reminiscent of the UTI I acquired last winter where I was layed out on the couch all day in between trying to take care of my 18-month-old, drinking 64 ounces (I kid you not) of cranberry juice, taking Uristat every 4 hours and peeing orange urine with blood mixed in it. Ladies, all I have to say is hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and lay off the caffeine. Nothing’s better than feeling like you’ve been kicked in your krunkin’ bits for two days and then having that followed up by your period. But that’s digressing.
Well, that wraps it up! Thanks for reading! Now don’t feel like you’re missing anything, because you’re not, except maybe a stomach ache. And BRUSSEL SPROUT AFTERTASTE. I still have it!