A Turning Point in My Virginal Life
A muskrat, a leprechaun, and a moldy jack o’ lantern walk into a bar… Oh! That wasn’t actually a joke, that was a hallucination I had whilst taking my daily morphine allotment. I get phantom’s pains due to an accident I sustained. Well, not a proper accident, an accident implies involuntary participation. I had a leg sawed off in a shark’s mouth one spring day for a lark, as school boys sometimes do. I suppose I could tell you a story… It was the year 1783, and as you recall, that year is famous for the great Torcanedo which wiped out almost our entire town of North Hamptonshire. But my story begins in April, and Bernice (the name given the torcanedo by the North Hamptonshire Meteorology Institute) was nary a twinkle in her mother’s eye. I was skipping down the lane, wearing my back satchel, when I spotted a lad on crutches. He was missing a leg. I, being tired of skipping, thought a missing leg was the coolest fucking thing I had ever seen. He must be a babe magnet, I remember saying to myself. Out loud even, to which he replied, “What, mate?” So our lifelong friendship began. And by lifelong, I mean his life, for he died about a month later of Beanitis. A terrible disease in which the victim actually turns into a bean plant. Everyone knows England is full to the hilt with beans, so naturally, we cut him down and threw him on our bonfire. That’s neither here nor there. Although, if you’ve never heard a man turned into a bean plant scream, then you haven’t really lived, have you? A missing leg, I was consumed with how I was to acquire a missing leg. Or rather how I was to no longer possess a leg. Yes, that’s more accurate. Luckily for me Lenny Newmandmoss was walking his shark into the 1st National Bearded Lady Bank. Apparently he was applying for a loan, because sharks are very expensive and his was with child. Lenny’s child. Suddenly a magnificent idea struck me! I would give the shark a treat and thus secure my spot as Northhamptonshire’s most eligible bachelor. My plan worked, and to this day, I get a lot of sweet puntang, let me tell you. As for the shark, she received a nasty case of indigestion. Who knew legs were so gassy? And as I hobble around town on my peg leg, with a beautiful wench on my arm, I pay homage to my fallen comrade as I wink at the stars. Beanie, you were a great friend.